I Fucking Hate Titanic

Top Ten Reasons Titanic Sucks

10. I got dragged to it by an ex-girlfriend who then dumped me about 2 weeks later. I guess she went searching for her Leo. A month later, once that dream sunk, she sought me out again. I told her, "You are not my Rose, so take a fucking hike."

9. This movie somehow won 11 Oscars, beating out vastly superior films such as Good Will Hunting and L.A. Confidential.

8. This movie is 194 minutes long. 194 minutes! You know how much sex I could have in 194 minutes? Okay, once and then a 3 hour nap but c'mon, there have been papal administrations that haven't lasted as long as a viewing of Titanic.

7. Again with the length. There is no need for a 2 hour romance between Kate and Leo. They are both good-looking, they meet on a cruise ship, they fuck, the boat sinks, fin. This story is recreated every spring break on cruise ships all over the Caribbean and Mexico. The movie should basically be 45 minutes long. Kate and Leo meet, screw in the car, the boat sinks, end of film. 1 hour tops.

6. Celine Dion. Need I say more?

5. "I'm king of the world" Give me a fucking break.

4. I'm convinced that Jack was not impressed with Rose's sexual performance. When they are in the water and Rose gets on the piece of furniture but it tips when Jack gets on, you can see it in Jack's face, thinking, "Man, this bitch ain't worth it." Notice how he doesn't try to find anything else to lay on, he just lets himself freeze. If he really loved Rose he would have left her there and found some furniture or a body or two to lay on. Rose obviously does not perform well "in car" and Jack compares her to the countless French bitches he banged and realizes that this stuck up bitch isn't worth his trouble. He chooses death by Disney over Rose.

3. My sister loved this movie, saw it 10 times. Posters in her room which used to be my room until my parents gave it to her when I was away at college. I have never overcome that.

2. Back to that piece of furniture in the water. What a selfish bitch Rose is. Hey Rose, move the fuck over and let Jack get out of the fucking freezing water for a second. Granted his frank and beans had likely frozen off at that point, but c'mon, move your fat ass over and let somebody have a chance to live for God's sake. What, do you think Jack has some magical power allowing him to heat himself in the freezing water? I think at that point the audience should realize that Rose didn't think too much of Jack's performance in the car either. I think this proves that Rose and Cal had had relations before the Titanic voyage and that Cal outperformed Jack in every area. In fact, that's the whole metaphor to the final scenes, Rose on the wood, Jack Frost in the water. Neither one thinks the other is worth living for based on poor sexual performance. This is not a romantic movie at all, its about 2 people who believe they are going to have the best sex ever, and then they are both disappointed. In fact, it was so bad, Jack chooses Death. Take that Rose, you heartless bitch.

1. Lastly, when the old Rose dies, does she go to heaven to meet her husband who she was married to for countless years, gave her children, no of course not. She floats on down to Titanic Heaven to spend eternity with a guy she knew for a week, banged one time, and it wasn't even that good. Are you fucking kidding me? Apparently the last 80 years of her life meant nothing, only a week with Jack means anything. Give me a fucking break.

So that's that. I hate this fucking movie.
- Bitter Film Critic