Ten Movies That Gave Me Childhood Wood

1. Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High: I remember the moment vividly. She emerges from the pool, approaches Judge Reinhold, and the top comes off. Glorious. I was 6 and something was going on in my pants that I did not understand. Thanks to my 13 year old brother I saw this movie early and it has stayed with me my entire life. God Bless Phoebe Cates.


2. Drew Barrymore in E.T.: I was 5, she was 8. I have always wanted the older women.


3. Elizabeth Shue in The Karate Kid: Simply the cutest bitch alive. I practiced that stupid Daniel-san crane kick hoping that one day I would be able to show off to Elizabeth Shue.

4. Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science: Not one heterosexual male nor most gay men could resist Kelly LeBrock. God Bless John Hughes but couldn’t we have had some sort of sex scene or topless shot in this movie, for Christ’s sake.


5. Jaime Lee Curtis in Trading Places: So what, I like obligatory boob shots. Sue me.


6. Jessica Tandy in Driving Miss Daisy: Just something about driving that old bitch around got me hot and bothered. Yes Miss Daisy, of course Miss Daisy.


7. Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club: After her makeover of course.

8. Kim Cattral in Mannequin: Shitty movie, hot Kim Cattral


9. Demi Moore in St. Elmo’s Fire: As a small boy in Iowa growing up, I wanted to be with Demi so badly. In September of 2005 a small boy from Iowa who is 9 months older than me married her. Fuck you Ashton.

10. Heather Graham in License to Drive: Who didn’t want to take Mercedes out on a date? 20 years later Heather Graham is still hot.

The Cutting Room Floor

Ten Rejected Disney Sequels


10. Disney Princess Threesome: Ariel, Belle, and Jasmine Perform: Part of the failed Disney-Porn enterprise

9. It’s a Small World: Because Every Disneyland Ride Can Be Turned Into a Shitty Movie

8. The Santa Clause 4: Tim Allen Needs Some Money For Food and Blow

7. The Eeyore Movie: Anal Rape Comes to Pooh Corner: We finally learn the reason for Eeyore’s depression, Tigger-raping.

6. Ratatouille 2: Return of the Plague

5. High School Musical 4: Drunken Sex and STDs

4. Song of the South 2: This Time We Free the Slaves

3. Finding Nemo . . . Again: Dammit Nemo Get a Fucking Map

2. Piglet Loves Him Some Pooh: Piglet’s forbidden love for Pooh is finally explored.

1. Tarzan 2: With Even More Gay Phil Collins Songs

This Movie is So Fucking Racist

I was watching Revenge of the Nerds recently and it hit me, this film is so fucking racist. Think about it for a second. Lamar, played by Larry B. Scott, is a gay black member of the fraternity Lamda Lamda Lamda. He is not particularly smart, he dresses appropriately, and he has no annoying behaviors, other than being black and homosexual. So, I ask myself, why is he a Nerd? Is he a nerd because he’s black? Because he’s gay? That’s really the only 2 choices you have, and both of them are quite bigoted. Every other member of the fraternity has an obvious reason for being there, except for Homo Lamar.

Also, this student body at Adams College might be the least diverse group of students ever. You get more diversity at Brigham Young University or Liberty University. Look at the football team, nothing but white guys. Not a black athlete in the bunch. Not a one. No black Alpha Betas either. What football team, even back in the 80’s, didn’t have at least a few black players? Watch the rest of the movie, barely any Asians or Latinos show up either. The end is especially poignant when the other Lamda Lamda Lamda brothers, and I mean the 15 huge black dudes, show up to protect the Nerds against the Alpha Betas. Watch as the Alpha Betas recoil in fear, apparently scared that the black fraternity might share their swimming pool.

Where Are They Now?

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10 Movies Gayer than Brokeback Mountain

10. American History X: Edward Norton gets gang-raped in the shower room by 8 Neo-Nazi skinheads. Ed has a ton of trouble walking afterwards. Oucharoo.

9. Y Tu Mama Tambien: A friend of mine suggested this movie claiming that there was a threesome toward the end. As I watched the movie in anticipation, I noticed how the principle characters were 2 men and 1 woman. I waited, hoped for another female character to be introduced, but to no avail. No, the threesome was 2 men and 1 woman. Lucky me.

8. The Basketball Diaries: Leonardo DiCaprio gets hit on and groped by his basketball coach, then spirals into heroin addiction, spiraling so far that he starts going into public bathrooms with strange men for money.

7. Boogie Nights: Marky Mark becomes a huge porn star, gets hit on by Phillip Seymour Hoffman, than spirals out of control, capping off his journey by jerking off for a redneck for money and getting the shit kicked out of him.

6. Pulp Fiction: I think somewhere, deep down inside, Marsellus Wallace enjoyed getting raped by Zed in the basement of Maynard’s pawn shop.

5. Dog Day Afternoon: A great heist film gone awry. Al Pacino and friends rob a bank, get stuck inside, and then the audience comes to find out that Al Pacino was stealing the money to pay for his boyfriend’s sexual reassignment surgery. How romantic.

4. Armageddon: The end. Where Bruce Willis pushes Ben Affleck back into the spaceship and sacrifices himself. He tells Ben, “I always thought of you as a son.” Ben replies, “I love you.” Totally gay.

3. The Crying Game: The chick has a dick. Nuff said.

2. Top Gun: The most unintentional homoerotic film ever made. Quentin Tarantino said it best with his monologue in Sleep with Me, which I will now post:

Top Gun is fucking great. What is Top Gun? You think it's a story about a bunch of fighter pilots.

It is a story about a man's struggle with his own homosexuality. It is! That is what Top Gun is about, man. You've got Maverick, all right? He's on the edge, man. He's right on the fucking line, all right? And you've got Iceman, and all his crew. They're gay, they represent the gay man, all right? And they're saying, go, go the gay way, go the gay way. He could go both ways.

Kelly McGillis, she's heterosexuality. She's saying: no, no, no, no, no, no, go the normal way, play by the rules, go the normal way. They're saying no, go the gay way, be the gay way, go for the gay way, all right? That is what's going on throughout that whole movie...

He goes to her house, all right? It looks like they're going to have sex, you know, they're just kind of sitting back, he's takin' a shower and everything. They don't have sex. He gets on the motorcycle, drives away. She's like, "What the fuck, what the fuck is going on here?" Next scene, next scene you see her, she's in the elevator, she is dressed like a guy. She's got the cap on, she's got the aviator glasses, she's wearing the same jacket that the Iceman wears. She is, okay, this is how I gotta get this guy, this guy's going towards the gay way, I gotta bring him back, I gotta bring him back from the gay way, so I'm do that through subterfuge, I'm gonna dress like a man. All right? That is how she approaches it.

All right, but the REAL ending of the movie is when they fight the MIGs at the end, all right? Because he has passed over into the gay way. They are this gay fighting fucking force, all right? And they're beating the Russians, the gays are beating the Russians. And it's over, and they fucking land, and Iceman's been trying to get Maverick the entire time, and finally, he's got him, all right? And what is the last fucking line that they have together? They're all hugging and kissing and happy with each other, and Ice comes up to Maverick, and he says, "Man, you can ride my tail, anytime!" And what does Maverick say? "You can ride mine!" Swordfight! Swordfight! Fuckin' A, man!

1. Deliverance: Poor Ned Beatty. The guy could go on to win 4 Oscars, discover the cure for cancer and AIDS, throw the game-winning touchdown in the Super Bowl, and be elected President, but all anyone is going to remember about him is the fact that he got raped by a hillbilly in Deliverance. I don’t know how out of work he was at the time, but I would have turned down that part in a heartbeat.

I can see Ned now . . . “I get fucked in the ass, by a hillbilly, while squealing like a pig . . . yet no one else in the film goes through that abuse or embarrassment, . . . sounds good, when do we shoot.”

Willy Wonka is a Pedophile

Much has been written about how the 1971 children’s classic Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory incorporates the rampant psychedelic drug use of the period with several references throughout the film. For example, the licking of the wallpaper when the kids arrive at the chocolate factory, an obvious link to LSD while the scary boat ride and the countless scenes of bright colors suggest the kids are experiencing an awesome “trip” of the kind that Timothy Leary would recommend. But what hasn’t been mentioned, at least nowhere that I could find, are the obvious sexual references scattered in the production. So, next time you see Willy Wonka airing on 1:30 p.m., on a Sunday, on ABC Family, keep these things in mind and I think you’ll agree with me that Willy Wonka is a pedophile, among other things.

People think this movie is about chocolate. They think its about Willy Wonka's quest to find a successor to his chocolate factory. I'll tell you what this movie is really about, Willy Wonka wants a little boy to play with. That's the whole point of the golden ticket, its not about running the factory, its about Wonka getting his jollys off with some lucky little boy. Wonka tried using Oompa Loompas to satisfy himself, but that quickly ran stale. They're not little boys, they're not innocent, they can't be controlled. But little boys can. If you don't believe me, read on and free your mind and you'll realize what a sick fucker Willy Wonka really is.

There is a bit of a creepy relationship between Willy Wonka and all 3 boys in the film. If you notice, there are 3 separate moments when Willy softly caresses the hair of Augustus, Mike TV, and Charlie. Its not coincidence that all 3 boys lack a present father, as Augustus and Mike are escorted by their moms, while Charlie is there with Grandpa Joe. Willy appears to be grooming these children, as we later find out at the end when it’s discovered that the contest was all about picking Willy’s successor at the factory. But I think Willy Wonka’s true motivation is finding a child to “play” with.

Check out some of these quotes by Willy Wonka. Put them in the proper context, (MY PEDOPHILE THEORY OF COURSE) and I think you’ll start to see it . . .

- "So who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Oompa Loopa's for me? Not a grown up. A grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine. So that's why I decided a long time ago that I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child, to whom I could tell all my most precious candy making secrets." Again with the grooming. Charlie has no father, by the way, where the fuck did Charlie’s father go? It’s never brought up. It appears Willy wants to fill that role, in more ways than one.

- "Well, fortunately small boys are extremely springy and elastic. So I think we’ll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine." O, will we Willy? Taffy-pulling? Riiight.

- "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker." I think we’ve stumbled upon Willy’s methods with small children.

- "Little surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous." Don’t worry, Uncle Willy will protect you.

Although there are other sexual references in the film, including the grandparents all sleeping in the same bed, a reference to the swinging sixties and seventies, the most obvious and egregious is the Everlasting Gobstopper Machine. As they enter the room with all the different machines and experiments Wonka is running, we see a large machine. Wonka starts the machine and in the middle of the machine, one can easily see a towering, long, pink, ribbed, thrusting, cock. That’s the best way to describe it. While the machine is running the thrusting cock goes up and down, an obvious penis reference that is not even trying to be concealed. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar? Well sometimes it’s a towering pink thrusting cock. And what comes out of the thrusting cock machine you ask? Well of course, they’re everlasting gobstoppers. You can suck ‘em forever and they never get any smaller. Sounds like something else I know.

So next time you watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory I think you'll agree what Willy is really up to. Its not about candy, its all about the children.

I Fucking Hate Titanic

Top Ten Reasons Titanic Sucks

10. I got dragged to it by an ex-girlfriend who then dumped me about 2 weeks later. I guess she went searching for her Leo. A month later, once that dream sunk, she sought me out again. I told her, "You are not my Rose, so take a fucking hike."

9. This movie somehow won 11 Oscars, beating out vastly superior films such as Good Will Hunting and L.A. Confidential.

8. This movie is 194 minutes long. 194 minutes! You know how much sex I could have in 194 minutes? Okay, once and then a 3 hour nap but c'mon, there have been papal administrations that haven't lasted as long as a viewing of Titanic.

7. Again with the length. There is no need for a 2 hour romance between Kate and Leo. They are both good-looking, they meet on a cruise ship, they fuck, the boat sinks, fin. This story is recreated every spring break on cruise ships all over the Caribbean and Mexico. The movie should basically be 45 minutes long. Kate and Leo meet, screw in the car, the boat sinks, end of film. 1 hour tops.

6. Celine Dion. Need I say more?

5. "I'm king of the world" Give me a fucking break.

4. I'm convinced that Jack was not impressed with Rose's sexual performance. When they are in the water and Rose gets on the piece of furniture but it tips when Jack gets on, you can see it in Jack's face, thinking, "Man, this bitch ain't worth it." Notice how he doesn't try to find anything else to lay on, he just lets himself freeze. If he really loved Rose he would have left her there and found some furniture or a body or two to lay on. Rose obviously does not perform well "in car" and Jack compares her to the countless French bitches he banged and realizes that this stuck up bitch isn't worth his trouble. He chooses death by Disney over Rose.

3. My sister loved this movie, saw it 10 times. Posters in her room which used to be my room until my parents gave it to her when I was away at college. I have never overcome that.

2. Back to that piece of furniture in the water. What a selfish bitch Rose is. Hey Rose, move the fuck over and let Jack get out of the fucking freezing water for a second. Granted his frank and beans had likely frozen off at that point, but c'mon, move your fat ass over and let somebody have a chance to live for God's sake. What, do you think Jack has some magical power allowing him to heat himself in the freezing water? I think at that point the audience should realize that Rose didn't think too much of Jack's performance in the car either. I think this proves that Rose and Cal had had relations before the Titanic voyage and that Cal outperformed Jack in every area. In fact, that's the whole metaphor to the final scenes, Rose on the wood, Jack Frost in the water. Neither one thinks the other is worth living for based on poor sexual performance. This is not a romantic movie at all, its about 2 people who believe they are going to have the best sex ever, and then they are both disappointed. In fact, it was so bad, Jack chooses Death. Take that Rose, you heartless bitch.

1. Lastly, when the old Rose dies, does she go to heaven to meet her husband who she was married to for countless years, gave her children, no of course not. She floats on down to Titanic Heaven to spend eternity with a guy she knew for a week, banged one time, and it wasn't even that good. Are you fucking kidding me? Apparently the last 80 years of her life meant nothing, only a week with Jack means anything. Give me a fucking break.

So that's that. I hate this fucking movie.
- Bitter Film Critic