Ten Movies That Gave Me Childhood Wood

1. Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High: I remember the moment vividly. She emerges from the pool, approaches Judge Reinhold, and the top comes off. Glorious. I was 6 and something was going on in my pants that I did not understand. Thanks to my 13 year old brother I saw this movie early and it has stayed with me my entire life. God Bless Phoebe Cates.


2. Drew Barrymore in E.T.: I was 5, she was 8. I have always wanted the older women.


3. Elizabeth Shue in The Karate Kid: Simply the cutest bitch alive. I practiced that stupid Daniel-san crane kick hoping that one day I would be able to show off to Elizabeth Shue.

4. Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science: Not one heterosexual male nor most gay men could resist Kelly LeBrock. God Bless John Hughes but couldn’t we have had some sort of sex scene or topless shot in this movie, for Christ’s sake.


5. Jaime Lee Curtis in Trading Places: So what, I like obligatory boob shots. Sue me.


6. Jessica Tandy in Driving Miss Daisy: Just something about driving that old bitch around got me hot and bothered. Yes Miss Daisy, of course Miss Daisy.


7. Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club: After her makeover of course.

8. Kim Cattral in Mannequin: Shitty movie, hot Kim Cattral


9. Demi Moore in St. Elmo’s Fire: As a small boy in Iowa growing up, I wanted to be with Demi so badly. In September of 2005 a small boy from Iowa who is 9 months older than me married her. Fuck you Ashton.

10. Heather Graham in License to Drive: Who didn’t want to take Mercedes out on a date? 20 years later Heather Graham is still hot.

The Cutting Room Floor

Ten Rejected Disney Sequels


10. Disney Princess Threesome: Ariel, Belle, and Jasmine Perform: Part of the failed Disney-Porn enterprise

9. It’s a Small World: Because Every Disneyland Ride Can Be Turned Into a Shitty Movie

8. The Santa Clause 4: Tim Allen Needs Some Money For Food and Blow

7. The Eeyore Movie: Anal Rape Comes to Pooh Corner: We finally learn the reason for Eeyore’s depression, Tigger-raping.

6. Ratatouille 2: Return of the Plague

5. High School Musical 4: Drunken Sex and STDs

4. Song of the South 2: This Time We Free the Slaves

3. Finding Nemo . . . Again: Dammit Nemo Get a Fucking Map

2. Piglet Loves Him Some Pooh: Piglet’s forbidden love for Pooh is finally explored.

1. Tarzan 2: With Even More Gay Phil Collins Songs